Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
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HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Little known fact: a penguin’s head can rotate 390 degrees. Once.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is when stupid people think they’re smart. Unlike the Freddy Krueger Effect which is when your murdered in your dreams you die in real life.
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
me: I need tires
michelin: here you go
me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant
michelin: you’re not gonna believe this
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
I found my husband’s shirt in the dishwasher & his beer mug in the hamper, but the details of this caper have yet to emerge.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.