Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
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How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
watching succession is proof that you literally don’t need to know what’s going on to have a great time. is this how dogs feel
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
#FattenUpABand The Rolling Scones
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
My dad.
Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?
Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Who called it a wedding licence and not marry-time law
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”