Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
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Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
[first day as a mover]
boss: ok the items in these boxes are super fragile, treat them like your own kids.
me: got it boss *walks over to boxes* LISTEN HERE IF YOU DON’T CUT THIS SHIT OUT YOU AREN’T GOING TO NANA’S
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
it was the busta rhymes, it was the wursta rhymes
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Me: I want us to get married.
Her: You’ll have to ask my dad first.
Me: Ok but he’s already married…
ME: I’ll take it
AUTO SALESMAN: this is the car you drove here
ME: perfect
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks