I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
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Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying “get a load of this guy” every time someone walked in
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
my cat just made eye contact and walked over to the vent and vomited directly into it. well played, sir. well played
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Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
“You’ve got something in your teeth”
Me: that always happens when I have porcupine for lunch
My daily affirmation
I only look at Wordle for the articles
I’m the guy in the meeting giving coworkers the throat slash motion when the boss says “Anybody have anything else 2 add before we adjourn?”
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Yeah, no, I don’t have a FitBit. I’m pretty sure I have a solid grasp on how inactive I am. I don’t need like bells and alarms and stuff.
The police have asked me to stop sending them cryptic taunting messages until I’ve actually committed a crime
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful
Halloween decorating with a 6yo is fun. You get to say things like “no cobwebs on the dog” and “no we’re not putting pumpkins on the roof.”
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
The woman on the train next to me is having an argument with her boyfriend on loudspeaker about whether they need to buy a fridge for their new flat. She is Team Fridge, he insists he can “keep his ham in the garden”. Looks like I’m missing my stop today.
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.