ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
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Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Overheard, my parents, watching the World Cup:
Dad: Who are you routing for?
Mom: I’m routing for it to be over.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
I’d like to say the best moment of a woman’s life is giving birth, but it’s actually seeing an old nemesis & realizing she got really fat.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
You know you’re old when the “I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” ads aren’t funny anymore.
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.