ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
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You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
Why do my kids want to be in the bathroom with me? I don’t even want to be in the bathroom with me.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
I moved to this city ten years ago with nothing more than the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
WHAT YOU SAY: Hi, my name’s Timothy but you can call me Tim
WHAT I HEAR: Hi, my name’s [DEAFENING STATIC] but you can call me ‘mate’ until one of us leaves this job
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this