Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
You Might Also Like
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
Flowers bee like
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
Did you just call me a boombox? Eugh that’s such a stereotype
I’m not even going to try to be understood today. If you hear nonsense, that’s what I said.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*