Me: Man I’m never going to find the one
Friend: You will, dude
Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options
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Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
Alternate reality. 🤣🤣🤣
Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Batman: Use this spotlight to call me.
Robin: What if it’s daytime?
Batman: *glares at Robin*
Gordon: Yeah, what if it-
Batman: *smoke bomb*
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
I have never in my life tried to pronounce an L so hard than when asking my dad for the “caulk”
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.