Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
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I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I’m not saying there are microchips in the vaccines but my right arm just told me it will be updating tonight between midnight and 2 a.m.
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
I hate it when I think that there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle …
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
Health status:
Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
“I’m away at school for one day and you give away my room?!”
Me: This is DISGUSTING! WHO PEED ON THE WALL?!
7yo: Not me. I only pee on the floor.
imagine you’re on jury duty and the courtroom sketch artist draws stink lines above you
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
oh no, steve’s working tonight