[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
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When I was a teen, my parents talked to me about safe sex. I’m having the same talk with them about the Reply All button.
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
Therapist: and what do we do when we’re feeling sad?
Me: put on a flowy duster and a fringed scarf and sing along to Landslide on repeat while we sway back and forth and channel the goddess Stevie
Therapist [downloading Fleetwood Mac]: this session is on me
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Me: You were supposed to be cleaning up your room before bed.
9: I want a hug
Me: I’ll never say no to hugs, but your timing is very suspicious.
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
“you could save money if you just stopped going out so much”
You severely underestimate my ability to spend money staying in
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
kitchen magnet
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.