a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
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If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Don’t worry about video games causing violence. That would require leaving the couch and interacting with reality.
[me narrating a documentary on urchins] “look at these boring moist porcupines”
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
it was a valiant fight
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Her: All day long I’ve had the strangest feeling that someone’s ….. watching me.
Me: Why, do you hear laughter?
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with