ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
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A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
“I only look sexy in contrast to a toilet” – People who bathroom selfie
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
[walking in on boyfriend]
me: oh god
him: it’s not what it looks like!
me: how could you do this to me?!
him: i’m so sorry you had to find out this way
me: *falling to my knees* my leftoverssss
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Me: How many would be the equivalent?
Salesman: Sir, I don’t think-
Me: Look, I don’t own a horse.
I have no idea how strong a horse is. Horsepower means nothing to me. What’s the pissed off cat power in this baby?
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
Ummm
me: [picking my nose]
surgeon: great choice
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
I don’t give a damn what the horoscopes say, get you a girl born in February. Amethyst is one of the cheaper birthstones and if you play your cards right you can do one of those Birthday-Valentine’s Day combo celebrations.
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers