ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
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Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
MARTY McFLY: Wait a minute, Doc. Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a Prius?
DOC BROWN: This car will repel women in any time period, Marty. We don’t want anyone accidentally hooking up with their mothers.
Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
if I was kate middleton I would tweet “they got me” and then log off
Autocorrect just changed AC to autocorrect even though I meant air conditioning. And I thought I was full of myself.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
I need a note so I can get out of having sex with my husband.
Gynecologist: …
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
*Cowboy stares at the horizon*
“A storm’s comin”
[In the distance, Darude ‘Sandstorm’ can be heard faintly]
*Cowboy cracks a glowstick*
[3 years from now]
I can’t believe it’s still 2020.
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.