ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
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Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Do you think I can get a new ringtone on this ankle monitor?
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
Hate eating nachos with someone at the theater and our fingers touch. Especially if I don’t know them, and they don’t know we’re sharing.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
Hike up your waders, it’s time for our village’s annual gravy harvest
*at dinner table*
Me: ‘Remember that time I lied to you about liking your potato salad?’
Her:
Me: ‘Anyway, I’m sorry.’
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
a bug flew in my mouth today and that’s probably the healthiest thing I’ve eaten all week