ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
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lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
[Burying dinosaur bones]
Dog Aliens: We’ll come back for these later
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
BF: Aren’t you ashamed?
ME: Because I complained to the manager about the wait at the restaurant?
BF: No
ME: Because I ate a large pizza?
BF: Because you ate someone else’s large pizza while we were waiting
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Room with a view.
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
In case you don’t watch Crime TV let me just tell you, if you’re going to commit a crime don’t take your cell phone with you.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks