ME: Mint choc chip ice cream, pls. I got my own cone [places it on counter]
EMPLOYEE: This is a traffic cone?
ME: You must be new here.
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I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…
Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.
How about a bird that ruins people’s lives
-God creating roosters
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
Tony Hawk: *does a 360*
Tony Owl: *does a 360 while doing a 180*
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it