Me: Mmm…I love your milky white skin.
Him: Ma’am are you registered for this class?
Me: Yes
Him: Step away from the CPR doll and sit down.
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Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Interior design 👌
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
A quick visual guide to footballing pain.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
this is the best day of my life
what’s the point then??
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.