Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
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I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
In the story of the $35 garage sale ceramic bowl going for $500k at auction, I’d be the person who had the garage sale.
[INFOMERCIAL]
“Order now and receive 50% off The Clapper. CLAP ON.. CLAP OFF.. THE CLAPPER”
Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
me: it seems like u should be telling me
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
Been doing a lot of soul searching as of late and still have not found that darn thing.
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
The movie Speed, except this bus driver apparently thinks we’ll blow up if he goes over 15 mph.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.