Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
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Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
Smooth Criminal: I use a razor
Smoother Criminal: I get laser treatments
Smoothest Criminal: *it’s just an Asian guy laughing at them both*
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
Star Trek almost inventing the cellphone
ST Writer: Why would he give up his communicator when he was back on the ship? Why wouldn’t he keep it all the time so he could talk to anyone from anywhere at any time?
ST Head Writer: That’s just stupid.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
Fortune cookies are pretty cool but there are foods that can more accurately predict the future. Like if I drink tequila I know I’m definitely getting arrested.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Your honor I didn’t teach myself the ukulele for fun I did it to defend myself in court today through song