4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
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I just found an unopened box of Girl Scout cookies underneath my futon in my mom’s basement so yeah-I found love in a hopeless place.
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
*slams jug on counter*
Boom! Fresh milk from the neighbor’s cows.
Wife: Ummm they don’t have cows…they have Dalmatians.
MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board?
ME: no
MT: i wasn’t asking
ME: if u were an english teacher you’d know that u were
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
Any refunds available?…
My grandpa went broke like 6 times trying stupid get rich quick schemes and played tennis like 5 days a week never got good and then when he died we found a bunch of sex picture that he was taking with my grandma so I’m not sure that generation was much different tbh
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
33, Male, Jerusalem. You?
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
He’s heavily invested in crypto so kinda clearly doesn’t know when to let something go
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today