ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
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REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
God: [returning from year-long sabbatical] So, how’s 2016 been? Did you cope OK?
Intern who was left in charge: [looks awkward] Yep. Fine.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
[stuck at home]
son: omg so bored
daughter: omg so bored
wife: omg so bored
me: omg so bored
dog: this is the greatest day of my life
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
The cashier probably looked at me funny for buying 4 gallons of ice cream because she didn’t realize I was planning ahead for two entire weeks.
I feel like maybe if God didn’t spend all his time helping people win at sports and awards shows he’d have time to fix some shit
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
A cartoon by Sam Gross from 1998, in honor of our 90th Anniversary Book of Cartoons:
what
This squirrel eats better than I do
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
You know that runny food on your plate that touches all the other food? That’s you, butting into a conversation.
You’re creamed corn.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”