Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
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I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Allow me to introduce you to the most ridiculous yet amazing thing you will see this week.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Your inspirational tweet inspired me to block you.
Why do they put Valentines Day candy in a box shaped like a heart? It’s kind of like eating ice cream out of a lung…
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Practice self-care like a mummy, wrap your body tightly with a blanket & put an ancient curse onto anyone who disturbs you.
ME AT 19: I stayed in a youth hostel with 20 strangers
ME IN MY 40s: This hotel bed is a bit smaller than at home and my wife’s leg touched me in the middle of night and now my vacation is ruined
doctor: have you thought about the diva cup?
me: listen i’m good but i don’t know that i could compete with other divas
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.
Weatherman discovering his monitor has a touch screen
If I was a mammoth or a ground sloth I would not have gotten stuck in a tar pit it all. when I see a fossil of some creature that got trapped in one I think wow here’s an example of some dead idiot
DMV: Please make an appointment for faster service.
Also DMV: Your appointment means nothing. Sit & wait, peasant.
I’m not crazy.
I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
I keep a set of 5 airtight canisters on my kitchen counter:
Flour, sugar, coffee, tea, rage.
Hey all you parents who recently named your kid Jax
We get it you’re unoriginal and watch SOAHold on my daughter Grey’s Anatomy is crying
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.