In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
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My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. ❤️❤️🥺🥺💋💋😘😘
Teen just came out of the dressing room wearing the ugliest top I’ve ever seen so I said ew no to which she answered mom this is literally my shirt that I’ve been wearing all day.
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
[renovating house]
ME: How much to add a panic room?
CONTRACTOR: About $50,000.
ME: How about a mild anxiety room?
Parenting pro-tip: don’t own nice shit.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
Shout out to feathers for keeping birds from being scary as hell
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
I didn’t read the safety instructions on the super glue at first, but now I can’t put them down.