Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
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You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.
“If you’re pregnant you can’t get pregnant, the same goes for getting arrested, can you lick this?”
I ask, trying to roll a joint in cuffs.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
🤣🤣🤣
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.
You can only regret what you remember.
-Tequila
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
[dressed like Slave Leia]
Them: Haha ready for Halloween?
Me: Halloween?
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Parents to our kids: Honesty is the best policy.
Also parents to our kids: Pretend you’re sick and don’t tell anyone I held the thermometer to the lightbulb to get us out of this party.
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Anyone who says living well is the best revenge has clearly never relocated a bat colony while their enemy was at work.
People on Twitter are like “My fake kid can out debate your fake kid on whatever world issue is currently fake popular!”
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.