Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
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Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
Surround yourself with people who want to give you money.
Failed my wasp collection exam. Got a bee.
doctor: i’m sorry but you only have a few more years left to live
me: oh my god. you’re lying
doctor *shows me a chart of global warming* i am not
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
*walks into bank dragging one of those giant checks behind me*
*everyone claps & cheers*
*hands check over to teller*
Check is for $1.00
[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?