Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
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Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
A car window made specifically for a dog to stick its head out of is called a sunwoof.
My husband gave me a break by doing the grocery shopping, but he didn’t take the kids with him so, I don’t think he knows how breaks work.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive
bank robber: *angry boomer noises*
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
i’m at the age where i have to stop myself from throat punching people who say they’re sooo old when they turn 30
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.