Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back
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Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Yelp review: Excellent food, friendly service. That said, I did notice a smudge on a window and was forced to set the building on fire
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
Marriage is funny. I say potato and my husband says what’s with the credit card bill.
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same
If you see a cat with a dart in it, that’s my cat and I need him back, we aren’t done yet.
Just heard that someone has started digging Fidel Castro’s grave..
Must be a communist plot.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.