📽️movie date🎞️
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They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Best part about marriage?
NO MORE CONDOMS!!!
Worst part about marriage?
No more sex.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
What brave editor will let me publish 1,500 words on why ordering ravioli at a restaurant is a scam? The sage butter is not making up for the fact that you’re charging me $27 for 4 small dumplings.
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
when i’m stressed i close my eyes and imagine i’m on a beach, neurotically pacing back & forth within a very small section of that beach
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
Don’t believe that bullshit.
Failure is ALWAYS an option.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.
Me: TEDDYBEARS
Cop: Aww.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Me: *Reaches over, cuts up food, says “open wide” & starts making airplane noises*
Guy: *stunned silence*
-Single Mama on a date
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
is Kristen Stewart a Vulcan
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.