If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
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My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Still waiting for a sexy butler who can make me a grilled peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch, and text with my mother.
Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Lamaze instructor: What are you doing in here? You certainly aren’t pregnant.
Him: Doesn’t this class teach breathing to enhance relaxation & decrease pain?
Well I have teenagers.Instructor: Welcome to class.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
80% of adulthood is trying to figure out what upset your stomach.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Ted Talks how about Ted shut up for once
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.