ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
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Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn’t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me…
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
The little toadstool has spoken.
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
One day, a handsome man will look me in the eyes and lovingly say, “I’ve been looking for you everywhere,” and this time it won’t be law enforcement.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
I’M CRYINGGG
I’m no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapesWhat I could draw:
damaged stairs
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie