Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave.
Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
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help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
I made a graph showing my past relationships. It has an ex axis and a why axis.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Married men live longer then single men. So if you want a slow death…… 😉
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
Me: You’re not allowed on the couch.
Dog: Oh yah? Well you’re not allowed to scratch my head!
Me:
Dog:
Me: Didn’t think that through, did you?
Dog: Not really, no.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…