me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: be mysterious
[ next day ]
her: hello
me: i’m in the witness protection program
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Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
TRICERATOPS: I have three horns
QUINCEANERATOPS [proudly]: I’m fifteen
Me: Excuse me
Waiter: Yes?
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
these physical therapy memes r ruthless bro
I can still party like I’m 22.
Too bad I recover like I’m 82.
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
“Hi I’m here to interview for the branch manager position.”
“We’re only hiring tree trimmers.”
“That’s exactly what I just said.”
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Me: I’ve applied for Canadian citizenship
Him: You’ll be sorry
Me: I sure hope so
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.