Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
You Might Also Like
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
The inventor of inappropriate innuendo has died
His family are taking it really hard
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
My gangsta career was brought to an abrupt and tragic end when my homies caught me sipping on a frappucino doing my taxes
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
You can run but my rifle’s got a scope.
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Me: You said pick the kids up
Wife: OUR KIDS
Me: *Watching a pack of feral children destroy everything we own* Yeah, that makes more sense
Zen master: Why are you still tweeting? The validation isn’t real.
Me: Neither are you.
Zen master: Oh bugger.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
The only good comments section online is on recipes
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread