Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
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stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
[Deli]
Me: can I get a children’s sub
Employee: sure thi-
Elon Musk: move over I got this
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
One time, I pulled my pants down to moon someone & accidentally opened the car door instead of the window & rolled down the street naked.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
mcdonalds: may I take your order
cronus: I’ll have the kids meal
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Me: Congratulations on becoming a master criminal.
Cousin: I earned a master’s degree in criminology.
Me: So do you get a bigger share of the loot from heists now or what?
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
Breaking news:
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts