* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
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if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
“Pick up some electrician from the market. I’m having problems with AC again.”—married sext
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
“Life Is a Highway” has gotta be my favorite song about having sex with a road
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
Mary on Facebook says this generation is way to reliant on technology…
She then sent me 7 Candy Crush invites
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.
how did chucky manage to murder so many people??? just pick him up and yeet him in the bin. he’s a doll
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do