Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?
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The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
“super-crunchy” is now a peanut butter you can buy at the store. the new innovation is we stopped making the crunchy peanut butter early
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
A pet is a great way for kids to learn about death. For instance, I had a snake and that killed four of my friends.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
[On the phone with my bookie]
Put it all on Jesus and let it ride
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
Food is love and love is terrifying so my chili might kill you.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.