Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
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I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
What, this is my emotional support rabid wolf
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
Watching all these killer whales attacking boats is giving me an orcasm. I’m sorry.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
Always leave the cult better than you found it.
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
There’s a couple breaking up so loudly on the sidewalk in front of my house! He said WHO ARE YOU GONNA TAKE TO YOUR SISTER’S WEDDING NEXT WEEKEND? She said MOZZARELLA STICKS! Which is a valid and devastating blow.
Boxing Day is just another excuse for me to binge watch all the Rocky movies.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.