Me 馃檪
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 馃檨
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customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
Guys in the 90鈥檚 who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
I鈥檓 trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can鈥檛 visit them this summer.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I鈥檓 ready to make a bingo card
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
GENIE: ok
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
The predictive text is coming from inside the horse.
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
I鈥檓 from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.