Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
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The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
*Giant boulder slowly crushes several hundred cats*
Guy who’s about to invent the bagpipes: Hey, this gives me an idea!
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
The biggest laugh at a joke I’ve ever received was on a plane to Amsterdam.
I was on a KLM flight, and the Heineken tall boys were free. When I asked for my fourth, the flight attendant asked me if I think I’d had enough.
I replied, ” Am I gonna have to fly the plane later?
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I guess all my problems started when my buddy broke his arm over the weekend but Monday there wasn’t any space left for me to sign it
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
Computer backup systems are expensive so I include “Death To America” in my email signature & the NSA backs up everything I’ve ever written.
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful