Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
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Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
On the third date, I like to buy the girl a really big meal so she’s already used to not finishing
In the event of a global sauce packet shortage, my junk drawer will reign supreme.
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
Halloween: The one day I can flap my arms like a bat and nobody asks any questions.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
It was love at first sight. Then she mentioned she didn’t drink. Thus ended the shortest relationship of my life.
*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Things are getting serious with my new boyfriend. Neither of us have slept with anyone else in eleven months (we met last week)
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.
To clarify:
DOJA CAT is a 25-year-old rapper, singer, and songwriter.
DEJA CAT is the strange sensation that you’ve seen a cat somewhere before.
Hope this helps!
The calories of the third sandwich don’t count of the first two were delicious
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.