ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
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Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
“Service Dog, Do Not Pet.” We’re sure this means me? Should we ask the dog? We should ask the dog.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
Just say no
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.
Me: I didn’t
[bounce]
Me: buy the kids
[bounce]
Me: a trampoline.
[bounce].
me: thanks for explaining what a plethora is
her: ur welcome
me: it really means a lot
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut