Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
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Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
Me: *grimaces, accepts call*
Mother: You never visit, I could have fallen, I can’t find that stupid cane, and my hemorrhoids are KILLING me!
Me: Meow
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
While we’re on the subject….
*throws your homemade scone out the window and breaks a windshield*
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
[wife walking in the door after work]
WIFE: I had just had the worst… why are our kids in the dog cage?
ME: a hello would be nice.
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend