No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
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[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I hate my earbuds.
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Million dollar idea: A nightclub for middle aged people with lots of chairs.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Doctor: Please step on the scale
Me: No weigh
*deals poker hand*
peacock that’s just looked at his cards:[giant feathers start spreading triumphantly]
everyone, at exactly the same time: fold
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.