[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
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Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
Look… don’t end your presentation with “Are there any questions?” & then get all pissy when I ask if you can ride a unicycle.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
(1:35pm) God: Yo Abraham
(1:37pm) Abe: sup
(1:38pm) God: Need u to kill ur son
(1:42pm) Abe: k(4:02pm) God: jk lol
(4:10pm) God: u there?
Our neighborhood watch is just dogs barking warnings every time they see a squirrel.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots
Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
I’m just a guy standing in a Starbucks line, thinking I could’ve milked a cow and grown my own coffee beans faster than this shit.
MARRIAGE PROTIP – Guys, if you have a picture of your junk on your phone, you better be sure your wife has a copy of it on hers. Good talk.
Home is where your toilet is.
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.