I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
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Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
*keeps opening fridge even though I know there’s nothing good in there*
Me: why do I keep doing this, lol
*opens twitter*
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich