Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
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I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
“I have to poop”
~What teenagers say when they don’t want to do something you’ve asked them to do
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
is this meant to deter me
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
When someone says they love me to the moon and back, I tell them that’s only about 500,000 miles and I expect more tbh.
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
9 out of 7 people can’t do fractions
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
My wife hasn’t touched me since the election. She took Gore’s loss pretty hard.
If dogs can eat raw chicken, so can I.
– dead people
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming