No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
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My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
me: sorry but i just can’t sugarcoat this
my boss at Kellogg:’s: you’re fired
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
I triple waxed for this?
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Now kids have it easy. When I was young, the hot singles in my area had to walk the streets yelling they wanted sex with me thru a megaphone
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.