ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
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My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
-gets $127 phone bill
1987: grounded for a month, no more calling Dana long distance
2017: must’ve gotten some sort of discount this month
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
My 4-year-old Just ran down the hallway yelling “CHEESES CRISIS.”
Oops. Maybe I’ve yelled Jesus Christ one too many times.
When my family makes me mad, I make them eat quinoa. I am drunk with power
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required