Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
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7’s new favorite animal is the spider.
He tells me fact after fact about them, he’s made the background of his school iPad a spider, and he shows me pictures constantly.
I’ve been a pretty good mom, so I’m not sure what I did to deserve this.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
The two types of wives
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
okay run it by me one more time
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
7YR OLD: dad, when Bruno Mars sings “so many pretty girls around me & they waking up the rocket,” what’s he mean?
ME: he’s a NASA scientist
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Him: “Part of having a sense of humor is knowing when to show restraint.”
Me: “Yeah, but this is Twitter.”
The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
My 7yo was taking pics of her sister, and I said, “oh isn’t she pretty” but 7 responded, “no she’s a suspect.”
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.