ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
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I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
I’m sure a spider is never scrutinized for spending too much time on the web.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
HER: so I hear you’re a runner
ME: yes
OTHER COP: *handcuffs me to the desk* good to know
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
family fistfights brought to you by Monopoly
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
My car’s GPS has learned to say “Your other left.”
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?