me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
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No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
[reading the bible but getting impressed by the wrong parts] woah this guy had 12 friends in his 30’s
Teaching my first English course this semester has been rewarding but I don’t know what to do with this student
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
Last night my 3 year old screamed “DON’T TAKE MY BANDAID OFF! I DO IT!” in her sleep, in case you were wondering what toddlers have nightmares about.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
WIFE: get down here!
ME: *from telephone wire* I’m with my friends
WIFE: why are u wearing fake wings?
ME: *to bird next to me* they’re real
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Bonfire is French for “good fire.”
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
Is it a good sign when your therapist keeps saying Ka-Ching?
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.