Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
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Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Maybe this is the Windows software update that changes everything for me.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
“Please use handrail. Or you know what? Go on, break your neck because you didn’t use the handrail just to spite me.”
-if my mom had been the recorded voice at the airport
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
I gave up going to work for lent.
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
In some societies it’s considered rude to put post-it notes on people’s heads in the doctor’s surgery with your guess what’s wrong with them
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER